Loneliness
by Tomas K
Summary: Link comes to terms with what is truly bothering his behavior: loneliness. (Rough draft, written in a fit of passion)


Loneliness.

It's a terrible thing really. People can live their lives staying strong for others and being indifferent to emotion, but a person can only ignore feelings if such feelings are never felt in the first place. To always be without is far different from losing something new that was never realized prior to its discovery.

I never knew true loneliness until I unwittingly let my guard down and gained an attachment to someone unreachable. Once I knew what it was like to have a person I truly cared for by my side, my entire emotional foundation was ripped out from under me when I realized that the kind of relationship I wanted with this person was not possible.

I used to be a bulwark for others to lean on. I used to feel like I could make people happy and protect them from being hurt. But what happens when all I feel inside is that I've lost the most special thing I ever had? I become a different sort of cold. I become brusque and certainly not approachable. I used to be a blank slate that others could write their regrets upon, but now I'm just a stone of mindless courage.

The softer I become inside, the harder I become outside, afraid to let others know my only weakness. There's a difference between being a rock with a soft center and a closed book. A sealed book is not able to read, but the very nature of it reveals that it carries information. A rock gathers a different response: either it can be forcibly cracked to reveal its true core, or it can be ignored if it is too hard.

-*-

I don't know what is more difficult: losing someone entirely, or losing the ability to continue what once was. Is it better to say, "It could have been," or "It can not be"? Imagine being so close to what is desired, yet knowing that such dreams are far from reality. Imagine knowing that you're not good enough, that people are only showing compassion for your sake, and that your feelings are acknowledged but not reciprocated. Ironically, these sorts of conditions make me feel guilty.

I have to see the princess almost every day. She remembers all that transpired between us, but most of our memories are now taboo. I have to hold on to my feelings, never letting myself slip. I have to make her laugh because her smiles are the food that nourishes my soul. I have to remain without emotion for both our sakes, and she repays me in a manner that must be just as painful, always being there for me out of kindness, but not love. She was the one that first realized our incompatibility. She was the practical one. Unlike silly me, she refused to define love.

"Sometimes I just wish our circumstances were different," she told me. Well, our circumstances are not different, and my attempts at changing them are a slow, painful journey. But her birth status and wishes can't be changed. She knows what's realistic and best for herself. The world is to blame, but she is the one who chose. She ended it. But I would never call her actions cruel or heartless. She's exceedingly wise and acted in her best interests.

As for me, I don't know what to do now. I know I've been a fool, but holding onto fantasy was better for me than capturing myself in a void. My dreams have been destroyed, but I still stubbornly refuse to give them up. I'm lost in a trap of furthering my sorrow and watching her life continue without me playing any significant part in it. The alternative, to flee and give everything up, would be far too rash and devastating, even for me. The rational thing is to suffer a long but light sentence, knowing that things will not always continue and can never be the same.

-*-

Sometimes I like to just hold my hand up to a mirror and enjoy the sensation of a palm against a palm. Even with all this heartbreak I have, I manage to still have a spot of fun here and there and make myself laugh at the silliest things. But sometimes when I talk to her, I am weakened by an enemy I know I can't overcome: loneliness. She never sees it, because I hide myself from her. It isn't always her actions that directly affect me, but sometimes I just hear something bittersweet and then realize how close my fate is to the saddest fairytales.

The princess used to be the one I could express my every thought to. I used to think that she was my strength, but now I see that, in the grand scheme of things, she was always my weakness. She awakened things in me that I previously could never express genuinely. Because of her, I fell victim to emotions I had never experienced. She taught me what it is to love someone. Even after she realized how silly we were, she still sacrificed to be there for me, evidence of her undying kindness and passion.

At times I can't hold myself together anymore, and I give up trying to be strong when I'm alone. I used to go for years without breaking down emotionally, but now tears threaten my eyes often. I never let a single one drop, instead restraining myself and only letting a slight haze fill my eyes. It's as refreshing as a nap. I give myself in to a moment of weakness to be stronger later. Every time it happens I can go longer without breaking.

I haven't given up hope because I've always believed that life has purpose. Finding the will to live isn't what I need. It's finding the motivation to continue a life without goals. Quests can be made out of anything, but fortitude and loyalty require an objective. There will always be trials and challenges to overcome, but what is the point when there is no reward that will fill the gap that was created?

Loneliness is a strange thing. It is created by filling a void and then emptying it again. For me, loneliness is losing something that was gained but not always there. The moment I gave myself up to this glorious feeling, this beautiful journey, this pure fulfillment of the heart, this thing I call love but cannot understand—I awoke a weakness in me by filling a gap which I didn't know existed. I could have never fathomed that this gap could contain so much joy but also trigger so much neediness.

Loneliness can take many other forms of which longing is perhaps the most difficult to endure. Loneliness is not always sad. It is the very essence of bittersweet suffering and vicarious joy. It can be laughed at, scorned, and pitied. But does it have a cure? Perhaps a void can be refilled, but if it is with a different shape, it will never look quite the same. Yes, loneliness has a cure. But if it is not repaired by the one who created it, the victim will never feel the same.

The cause of loneliness is the same as its cure.


End file.
